i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
