I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize