Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
