yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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