Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
