Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
