I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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