I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
