There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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