I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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