It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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