hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think i got beer on your cat.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
