Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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