Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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