I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Two words: blizzard sex
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
