How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize