I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
