He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think my moral compass just broke
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
