good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
