so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize