if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Randomize
