this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
