my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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