You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
