I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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