I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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