i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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