You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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