I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
