I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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