On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
as a side note pls kill me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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