My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize