i think my tv is drunk
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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