I want to walk on stilts...naked
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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