You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
