woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
