I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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