Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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