I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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