just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
