i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
