I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
