my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
