I think I died a long time ago.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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