I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
