if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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