You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
