You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
