I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How does it feel to date your dad?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
