You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
