What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
