I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
