i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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