just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
