I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
