in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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