mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
