Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
