I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
