Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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