Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
