Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
