I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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